Dear newlywed, mazal tov,

First, I share your joy that Hashem has sent you such a wonderful husband, that you get along well, and that you have so many wonderful traits that allow you to feel good with him.

All this is certainly not to be taken for granted.

You describe disappointment and concern, and even guilt regarding your husband’s spiritual level and how little he invests in his learning, and I understand your feelings, considering how important your share in his Torah learning is to you.

I would like to sweep the issue of your guilt off the table before we discuss your disappointment and concern.

Is there any likelihood that he could be the way he is because of who you are? Because of anything you did or didn’t do?

Do you believe it is possible that one person is responsible for the actions of another person?

Your davening for a share of Torah learning are still valid.

They are your tefillot. For your share.

A person can daven for anything he wants and that is important to him, and can share in davening with his friend for his friend’s success, for yeshuot and for good.

Even so, davening is not a means for influencing others to do what I want… it is not a tool for shaping my spouse to fit my preferred mold.

This means that your tefillot for your share will definitely be accepted and are desirable and will bear fruit. It is important to understand, however, that davening was never intended to mold your future husband into the image that you wanted.

It is clear that your husband, just as he is, is not the product of your davening or lack thereof. He is the product of his own choices.

Of course all your davening for his success, good and happiness increase the blessings, abundance and assistance from Hashem, but the bottom line is that your husband is the master of his choices in life.

Continue to daven, for yourself for your own good, and for him – for himself, for his good as Hashem sees fit.

Now that I hope I have cleared any sense of guilt from your heart, let’s look at your disappointment and concern for the future.

You look at your wonderful husband and are disappointed that he does not learn the way you expected.

That’s understandable. Any reality that does not meet our expectations – disappoints. This is natural and is okay.

The question is what do we do the moment after the disappointment?

Do we choose to wallow in the lack, the negative, the missing, the bad?

Or to focus on the reality of what we have? And there is a lot of it.

A spouse never arrives as a customized product, made to our specifications.

There will always be things we love about him very much, and things that we love less.

His virtues and shortcomings.

His strengths and his weaknesses.

And perhaps it’s worth stopping for a moment and remembering that we are not angels either.

Each of us has aspects that challenge the other, that we would not want to be examined based on some model. 

I do not want to be compared to some other woman.

Or to a stereotypical character from a legend… even if it’s a haredi legend.

Even though I am not perfect – I want my husband to see only the good in me, that he turn a blind eye, and not notice, and that he minimize my shortcomings.

I want him to accept me the way I am, to love me unconditionally, without reservations, without disappointments and without bitter conciliations.

I want him to perceive me as good.

This is an understanding that I recommend you adopt for the way you choose to view your husband.

He too deserves all that.

He is replete with good middot – and there is nothing more rare or more precious than that.

He loves you, and you trust him. You are good together.

Can you permit yourself to enjoy all of that good?

Take pleasure in him, feel warmed by his kindness?

Can you be enthusiastic and satisfied with all that good, even though you imagined things would look different?

Will you allow him not to be perfect?

Or maybe he is perfect – just not the perfect match to your vision.

Is he worthy of your appreciation only as a “Torah supplier,” or can you appreciate him for just being him?

When you got onto this airplane, you thought you would land in New York, and when you arrived, you found yourself in Australia.

After the initial shock – will you be open to enjoying the wonders of Australia?

I believe that the more relaxed you will be, and open to exploring the country in which you have arrived; the person you have married, the more you will discover beauty and happiness. More forms of perfection. Different than the ones drawn on the board at the seminary.

Regarding your worries –

If your appreciation of him stems only from the number of hours he learns, then there is indeed room for concern.

You depict a reality that makes the quality of your relationship dependent on a fleeting element. 

He learned enough? He’s appreciated.

He didn’t learn? He has no value…

This is a stance that puts him under constant scrutiny, that measures him, that arouses sharp resistance, and is guaranteed to lead to dismal results in both his Torah learning and your couple relationship.

Under the chuppa, his Torah learning is not mentioned, but rather “loving friends.” 

Close friends who appreciate and respect one another, who make an effort for one another.

Productive cooperation toward shared goals, through love and comradery.

That is the type of marriage Hashem wants.

A marriage like this is imbued with His shechina.

From this perspective, you have no reason to worry about your ability to appreciate your husband. Especially since your words about him clearly show your great appreciation of him.

What about the Torah? About a home of Torah? Your share in Torah?

The Torah is a supreme value. It is the purpose of creation and its foundation.

And the more a person is connected to Torah, values and appreciates it – the more he will yearn for it and take pleasure in it.

Your words show the tremendous importance of Torah in your heart, and that is thrilling and wonderful.

You bring that essence and those feelings with you to your relationship, your friendship, to your joint building of your home, without any external actions aimed at causing your husband to learn more (actions that are not recommended at all).

Your sensitivity affect the mood in the home and what happens in it – not as a form of manipulation, but as the reality.

Your joy in learning, in every single moment of learning, whatever the topic, and your willingness to make an effort to have time for more learning – are present and are influential.

Learning Torah is his mitzva, between him and Hashem, and not his obligation to you. He is accountable only to himself – and not to you – for his use of his time and his bitul Torah. Your relationship with him is personal and human, without any connection to his learning. This respect for his personal space allows him to cope and to choose good of his own free will, at the rate and in the form that are right for him, and release him from “working for you” with his learning, or from objecting to your silent dictate, and proving to you and mainly to himself that he has the right to be who he is, by permitting himself not to bend himself to your will.

The combination of your appreciation for Torah itself, not for him as someone who learns Torah, with unconditional respect for him and for his choices, are the best recipe for a life of Torah.

This is not a Torah home engineered in our consciousness, but rather your real lives, lives that are unique to you, different from anyone else’s, with your special and personal connection with Hashem and with the Torah – “like the joy of Your creations in Gan Eden” – when there were no other people to compare to them, and no images to strive for.

Just like that, naturally, the way you are. In your own Gan Eden.

I wish you closeness and connection to yourself, to your husband, to Hashem, and to the precious Torah,

Glodie