Answer:

Hi,

You are asking specifically about an iPhone, but beneath your question lies a lot of fear and worry about your daughter’s future ruchnius. The issue of children “becoming patuach,” or c”v, a lot worse, is unfortunately very common nowadays and takes many forms. Parenting today has challenges and issues that didn’t exist a generation or two ago, and it is a very scary ride for parents of such children.

Personally, I once had a similar question with one of my children, who asked us permission to go to a different city to do something we weren’t all that thrilled about. I went to ask a big Rov who is quite experienced in dealing with today’s youth, and his answer was eye-opening to me. He said, “be happy that he is telling you where he wants to go in the first place.” In other words, many children are doing what they want without telling their parents, and parents only find out about it post-facto.

Another thing I learned from his answer was that often the parent may know what the child is going to do, but in reality, there isn’t much the parent can do to stop it. Making a fight out of it won’t help and risks ruining the relationship you now have with her, which is of vital importance.

By the way, the child in the above story left us a letter on the day he got married, thanking us for everything we did for him, especially for being understanding and validating him, even though he did numerous things he knew we weren’t happy about. Of everything we did for him, the feeling that we accepted him, despite the trips he took and the things he got that we didn’t approve of, we still accepted him for who he is and still loved him. (Honestly, what gave me the strength was the thought that he was thankful to Hashem that things could be a lot worse, and B”H they weren’t. It is possible that our acceptance of him kept him close to the family until he got married and settled down.)

If at all possible, you and your wife should shmooze with your daughter about any topic under the sun that interests her, to keep up your relationship with her, and avoid discussing hashkafa and related topics unless she brings them up, to avoid conflict at all costs. On the other hand, if the opportunity presents itself (in a roundabout way during a conversation), try to find out from your daughter why she feels such a need to work and make money. What does she need that you can’t provide for her? If she says that she wants an iPhone, then you will know that if she has her mind on it so intently, she is going to buy it herself, one way or the other, and you are much better off if it is done with your consent and maybe some conditions. You can tell her that if it is so important to her, you can even partially help fund it if she is willing to get a filter for it (and keep quiet about it, because you don’t want the other siblings getting attached to it). Of course, if you can push it off for later, that is best.

The most important thing is to let her know that you accept and love her just as she is. Feeling accepted will help her feel more connected to the family, and she already understands the family’s standards and values. She might not be fully aware of all the potential dangers of having an iPhone, so this is something you’ll need to explain to her. (It’s best to have this conversation once you yourself are clear about the risks and challenges, perhaps by talking with someone experienced with teenagers on the fringe to get helpful advice on what and how to communicate.) Remember, this should happen only once your relationship feels strong, and she knows deep down that you truly care about her and love her.

One more suggestion: Get her an “older sister,” a woman she can be close and open with, who can help her from the inside. It can be disguised as her going there to “work” and help with the household chores. The pay can come from you.

One last word. Tefilla. Daven that you should be able to make the correct decisions. Daven that Hashem should open her heart to the right things, and that it shouldn’t negatively affect the other children. Don’t stop davening, and IY”H you will have the siyata dishmaya to navigate this nisayon correctly, and IY”H you will see much nachas from her.

Hatzlacha Rabba